All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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