Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
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She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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