Welp...herpes.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
