I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
