I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
