and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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