Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
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he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
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It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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