I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
