Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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