just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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