You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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