i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
