new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I need to align my fucking chakras
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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