If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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