i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
