Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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