Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
