I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
