someone threw a dead crab at me
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
