my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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