I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
