I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
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I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
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I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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