his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
