God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
