There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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