Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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