and you said cock pushups were impossible
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
