weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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