im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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