I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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