hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
