Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
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I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
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I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize