He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
