I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
