I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Do you still have your period?
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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