the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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