So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
