im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
