i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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