Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
