I wish I only lived at night.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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