He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
