I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
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The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
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MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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