I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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