So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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