If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
