I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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