Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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