dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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