My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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