Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
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