Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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