Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
