i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
