do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
