you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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