Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
